It’s my first day back after attending a 5 day silent retreat. I was blanketed with snow up in Tobermory Ontario. Breathtakingly beautiful.
I certainly have a palpable greater sense of calm. That’s not surprising. Anytime you spend 5 days away in nature, eating good food, with good people and limited connection to the internet… that’s a recipe for calm.
However, what’s different, and what seems to surprise me every time, is the fact that when I layer silence into that equation, the calm goes much deeper and connects to my core SELF.
Even after a week of holiday, I’m usually back into the frazzle of life, almost the moment I open my computer on Monday morning. I’ve even heard myself say in the past, “I need a vacation to recover from my vacation”.
But after my time in silence, I’m coming back to work and family life with a greater connection to my core. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a feeling that no matter what happens, I’m going to be ok. It’s not a thought… it’s a deep knowing.
And I also know… I’m going to forget this feeling again. That’s just the way it works!
For today, I feel the tug of my old habitual patterns of worrying, rushing and jumping to the needs of others. But instead of reacting, there’s a little space for me to respond with wise judgement. Even if that response upsets someone else, it feels like it’s coming from this deep place of ‘OK-ness”.
Even if I don’t meet that deadline - I’m Ok
Even if you don’t like this post - I’m Ok
Even if that thing happens that I don’t want to happen - I’m Ok
It’s not that I don’t care what happens, it’s that I know I have the inner resources to make the decisions to do what’s right for me, and whatever the outcome, I’ve got my own back. I’ll be ok.
That all sounds great… but as I’M re-reading my own words, there’s a part of me that is rolling her eyes. If it sounds like I’m saying “Don’t worry - be happy”. I’m not. It’s actually more about an acceptance for whatever is showing up, whether it’s worry or happiness or anything else.
During silence, with minimal distractions, I had nothing else to do but notice the ebbs and flows of my thoughts and emotions. There were some very dark moments, some pure moments of tear-felt joy and lots of moments in between. What eventually becomes abundantly clear… is that behind these peaks and valleys is a stable core. It’s untouchable. It can’t be destroyed or broken down. It’s the part of me that is observing. I describe it as my curious, compassionate, witness. It feels like confidence and courage and calm. I believe it’s in all of us.
We just forget, or get lost in the complexities and details of life.
I know I will forget again. In fact, even today I know I have forgotten several times per hour! Or maybe a better way to describe it is that I lose connection with that stable core. A part of me takes over and I begin worrying or ruminating about something. I know that’s normal, that’s life, that’s what it means to be human. We all forget and get carried away.
For me, the practice is to continually come back to my SELF. My stable core. And because of the last 5 days of silence, it’s easy to locate and come back to that feeling of Ok-ness.
I don’t take this for granted. I’ve been going on these types of retreats now for the past 7 years, several times per year. These longer, intentional retreat experiences help me strengthen this superpower of connecting to my core. And then in between retreats, I know I need daily practices to remember. I know I will lose connection. I strengthen my connection to SELF through daily mindfulness. Many of these practices illuminated for me during my time in silence over the years. I think everyone has to find what works for them. There’s no one fit answer for everyone. For me, these practices include:
Starting my day with a period of some type of meditation and some mindful yoga or stretching.
Eating slowly and mindfully… even if only for a few bites.
Intentional time in nature, noticing the wind, the light, the growth around me.
Turning toward myself in difficult moments and putting a hand on my heart (figuratively or literally). Witnessing the discomfort with as much love and acceptance as is available in the moment.
Journaling and reading soulful poetry and books.
Drawing, painting and SoulCollage®
Time with soulful friends, where I can let my guard down and be honest and vulnerable and playful.
Hugs from my family… where I pause, notice the contact and even for a second notice that we are together in this moment. That is a gift beyond measure.
And even if I fall out of the patterns of doing all these things… I always have the next breath… to breathe in fully and notice that “I’m still alive” and I know my core SELF is always there beneath the surface waiting for me to reconnect.
What are your CORE practices? What brings you back to SELF? I would love to hear from you in the comments. It’s inspiring to see each others practices.
Note: If you are interested in a retreat to re-connect with SELF check our upcoming programs including a silent retreat on Feb 28th, 2025.