The first Sunday in April 2020, I ran a silent retreat. What made this retreat extra special was that it took place ONLINE during the social isolation of the CoVid19 pandemic.
We used Zoom as our online platform, which is designed to allow everyone to appear in little squares on the same screen (Brady Bunch style) so that the nuances of facial expression and gestures are captured while people speak. Except, in our case, no one was going to speak—except me as the facilitator. We turned off our phones, posted Do Not Disturb signs, and left our children in the caring hands of others. I could see everyone’s shoulders drop even on the screen as we each settled into a day fully carved out for ‘Self.’. For many, this was their first silent retreat, included as part of our 8 week MBSR (mindfulness-based stress reduction) program. They were both nervous and curious. For others, this was a familiar practice delivered in a unique way—online—and strangely in the comfort of their own homes, which comes with the challenge of added distractions. Usually, silent retreats take place at a retreat centre far away from the distractions of home. Even I wondered if it would be possible to “truly retreat” without going anywhere at all!
One participant remarked “My husband thinks I’m crazy to do a silent retreat in the midst of social isolation. He said it’s already hard enough, why do this to yourself now?”
Ah, yes, this is a common concern. Some people think of silence as a punishment or a restriction akin to not being allowed to talk. Usually, it is the extroverts who can’t imagine going all day without talking. On the flip side, introverts or those who live alone, frequently remark, “That’s easy, I often go all day without speaking to anyone.” However, taking a vow of silence in a group is very different from spending a day alone doing your usual daily routine.
On a retreat, there are no bills to pay, no news to watch, no emails to field, no people to care for, or even books to read. In fact, it is not about “doing” at all. Jon Kabat Zinn, the renowned mindfulness teacher, would say it’s about “being.” At our core we are actually human ‘beings.’ This is where a day of silence can be a gift. A silent retreat is about the invitation to leave the world of “doing” behind and give yourself the space to go inward. In silence you have a rare opportunity to simply sit back and notice the constant stream of thoughts, emotions and body sensations at any particular moment. In daily life we can get stuck in autopilot with repeated patterns of thought that can leave us feeling ragged and stressed. Some people call this the ‘monkey mind’. Silence can give us a little distance from our thoughts. Almost like standing on the platform of a train station and watching the trains go by. With the space of awareness we have a choice to either step onto the train and be carried away by the thought or simply let it pass by. It can be very empowering to recognize we have choice on where the mind takes us. In addition, silence gives us the space to pay attention to the body sensations we often ignore in the service of ‘getting things done’. When we take the time to notice sore muscles, fatigue or hunger we can make better decisions for self-care. I believe there is no better time than now to take a moment to reflect on what’s going on inside. We can all use a little more space for wise choices and self-care during a pandemic. For this reason I forged ahead with the silent retreat even if it had to be over the internet.
The retreat agenda was very similar to my usual routine. I guided the group through meditations in the morning, and at noon we logged off for our own silent lunch and a walk in nature before joining back together in the afternoon. There were many insights over the day, but the time in nature always seems to bring on the magic. The instruction during our lunch break was to simply notice nature and experience your 5 senses. During my lunch break I did the same. I took a slow walk in the woods and watched my thoughts whizz by. I sank into my senses and paused to feel the sun on my face. On my way in, I did something I’ve never done before. I was drawn to the warm black surface of our trampoline in the backyard. Like a cat, I crawled into the warmth and laid looking up at the clouds floating by in the sky. I felt a childlike joy grow inside of me--like I was playing hooky from life’s responsibilities. For a few precious moments, I let go of the need to do anything and I just sank into the beauty of the moment. I can still locate that little bubble of joy inside me.
Even now as I reflect on the experience of the day, I think how easy it should be to just allow myself to ‘let go’, play more often and be in the moment. And yet it took a silent retreat over the internet and the strength of the group to help me realize this peace is available to me anytime, anywhere—even in the midst of social isolation and a pandemic.
Wishing all of you moments of peace and joy during this challenging time.
Here’s a beautiful poem in the thread of letting go:
She Let Go by Rev. Safire Rose
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, She just let go. She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go. She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go. No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
If you are craving some time to go inward our next silent retreat is on Sunday June 14th, 2020.