My father had a stroke shortly after his 90th birthday. There were many dark days when we wondered if he would ever recover. However, the amazing man that he was… he worked tirelessly to re-train his brain. He listened to music, practiced sketching and did his exercises diligently. One of his medical team recommended he try mindfulness to help his recovery. My dad knew this was one of my areas of specialty and intrigued he asked me to explain what mindfulness is. I started by telling him I run meditation classes that teach people how to sit in stillness and watch their thoughts. He seemed perplexed. My father was a thinker, a business man and a creative genius. His mind was always active. You could see it in his eyes. He was rarely fully present, often lost in his creative world of mergers and inventions.
Dad: “Why in the world would anyone want to just sit and watch their thoughts?”
I tell him that our thoughts create our reality. They affect our body when we obsess and worry. Unknowingly we can be perpetuating high blood pressure, acid stomach, teeth grinding, headaches, poor sleep, overeating, anxiety, depression… the list goes on. This seemed to make a little more sense to him. I continued by telling him that practicing mindfulness in relationships can also increase connection and foster joy. I could see the wheels spinning.
Dad: “How much does it cost?”
I tell him it’s usually $400-$500 for an 8 week program. He almost fell off the bed.
Dad: ”And people actually pay you to sit and watch their thoughts? Has anyone demanded their money back? Do you offer discounts? Can their benefits pay for this?”
He had a slew of questions about the money before he really understood what mindfulness is. I could see that I’d given a far too limited description of the program. It’s so much more than just sitting in meditation. Everyday mindfulness helps us be conscious enough to respond rather than react to our thoughts and emotions. We become capable of insight in the moment, better connection with loved ones and more able to take conscious wise actions.
Heidi: “Can I show you one of the practices we do? I think you will understand better once you experience it”.
My dad seemed excited to experience this elusive, ‘expensive’ mindfulness.
Heidi: “We are going to try some ‘mindful listening. We do this practice in almost every session. I’m going to set a timer for 3 minutes and we will take turns talking and listening”.
He agreed. Just before I started the timer he said:
Dad: “Wait, wait, so I’m not allowed to say ANYTHING?”
Heidi: ”That’s correct Dad, just listen for 3 minutes and then it’s your turn.”
Dad: “Ok so you want me to button my lip.”
Heidi: “Well sort of…except that sounds like you are going to hold onto all your thoughts and then almost explode after 3 minutes. Can you try to just let your thoughts pass and be fully present with what I’m saying?”
He’s perplexed again.
Dad: “That’s going to be hard for me. I’m trained as an engineer. My whole life I’ve been paid for my thoughts and ideas. It’s kind of how I measure my value to the world.”
This is something I had never considered. My dad’s lack of presence my whole life was not just a habit of daydreaming. It was actually core to who he was and how he served in the world. Nevertheless, the overuse of this strength meant it was hard to connect with him. I asked him again to just try the activity and see how it goes. I told him I love his ideas but what I really crave is to feel seen and heard by my dad. This seemed to recommit him to the process and he sat up straight and ready as I pushed my finger to start the timer.
Heidi: “So I run this program called MBSR. It stands for Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction….”
As I’m talking, my Dad picked up a pen and started writing something down. I paused the timer.
Heidi: “Dad what are you doing?”
Dad: “I’m writing down what MBSR stands for so I don’t forget”
Heidi: “It’s ok if you forget dad. It’s not about remembering what I say, it’s simply about listening. It doesn’t feel like you’re fully listening when you are looking down at your paper.”
He finally seemed to understand his job: Simply listen. I looked down to restart the timer and when I looked up I saw my Dad’s beautiful green eyes, soft, no agendas, just fully present with me. I immediately burst into tears. I don’t think I had ever felt this type of presence from my father. Tears began streaming down his face as well.
Heidi: “This means so much to me dad, I feel it in my heart.”
Dad: “I feel it too. This is worth every penny you could ever charge”
We continued on for almost an hour – taking turns, 3 minutes each, sharing whatever came to mind, knowing it would be lovingly received with full attention. It’s one of my favourite memories with my father. He made a pact to practice this with everyone. Not the formal 3 minute activity, just practicing daily mindfulness, truly listening to others. He admitted he had 90 years under his belt the old way… but that’s something amazing about my Dad. He was always excited to learn new things. I visited often for the next few months as he returned home from the hospital. He got stronger physically and I saw a shift mentally in my dad. Our conversations were different. It wasn’t perfect but we covered topics that were deeper and more meaningful. He moved slower and with more appreciation. Three months later he died suddenly of a heart attack. I will forever be grateful for the gift of mindfulness. It gave me the opportunity to connect with my father in a way that I had craved my entire life. During one of my last visits he asked if he could walk me to my car and held my hand. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me about something. He said: “no”. He just wanted a few moments together. “Time is precious”, he said.
Published in the Globe and Mail: First Person section. Monday January 4th, 2021
Sharing mindfulness is so much more than a job for me. It comes deeply from my heart’s desire to have others experience the powerful benefits. It doesn’t come easy for most. It takes practice and patience and support. There are years of wisdom and research in the development of the 8 week MBSR program design. I hope you will join me to experience a little taste of MBSR for yourself. As my Dad has taught me - It’s never too late and time is precious.
Free Online Introduction: Tuesday Feb 9, 2021
An 8 week MBSR Booster program begins: Tuesday Feb 16, 2021
For more details visit Programs and Retreats